Battlefield Kid.

In view of my recent post about obnoxious snot nosed rug rats, I have decided to share with all a few hints in the gentle and noble art of child taming.

So with out further adieu, The following:-

Daze’s compendium of infantile disinformation for desperate parents.

1. Pregnancy. Women slowly loose their minds when pregnant. Deal with it. Something about the chemicals in their brains changing. Personal experience says if I have to suffer through this crap someone is going to suffer too.
2. Men, you want to experience child birth and all the fun and games it’s simple. Go and have a crap the size and texture of a coconut, with the benefits of diarrhea, there you have it.
3. New babies will not cry themselves to death. They will cry you to wishing you were dead, but eventually nine times out of ten they will simply run out of steam and pass out.
4. If small children refuse to eat something, simple act like you are thrilled and chomp it down yourself like it is the biggest treat in the world. Kids hate missing out on something and will eat it out of sheer greed.
5. For refusal of eating entire meals, get yourself a dog and feed the meal to the dog in front of them. Next meal call the dog into the room pointing out the second they stuff you around the dog gets it. Kids to don’t have to be that old to understand a dog will eat ANYTHING.
6. Kids having tantrum in public? Simple, announce to child you believe they are very tired and in dire need of going home to sleep, for the rest of the day. The idea of loosing their day out will give them incentive to knock the crap off.
7. Kid screaming/crying for the fun of it? Put psychotic look on your face and quietly ask the child if they would like a reason to scream/cry like that.
8. Kids throwing things/food? Throw it back, remember you probably have better aim.
9. Kid refusing to take bath? Offer them the other option. The garden hose in the backyard. And not in the fun way.
10. Kid glaring and trying to give you the ‘evil eye’? Tell them their mouth looks exactly like a cats bum. Proceed to laugh your head off.

Stop and remember, kids are more or less programmed to try and get their own way, you are the one in charge. Don’t forget to reward good behaviour. A hug and time spent with a child is far more valuable to them than all the toys in the universe.