Why remotes were really invented.

You can tell how much a person hates ads on the idiot box by the condition of the mute button. That button on our remote is worn smooth and shiny, the actual word mute, long since disappeared. It’s new title now being the noise nuker.

Once upon a time ads used to be a mild annoyance in the otherwise happy enjoyment of my cartoon watching. On a Saturday morning. These days to not kill the noise of these things will have me yelling abuse at a perfectly innocent TV. If everything is always so ‘new’ and ‘improved’ then how come life is still the average day to day ho-hum?
Oh that’s right, because I don’t drop everything and go at the speed of light to get to the stores in my never ending quest to have the latest and greatest in my life.

Everyone cops it. Blokes! Go out and buy as much as the car can carry from the motor accessory store, the missus will not mind a bit! Even if you don’t have a clue how to use half the stuff you just bought. Don’t forget to have that beer because the telly tells you, everyone else is drinking it. You wanna attract the ladies? Douse yourself liberally with some cheap smelling B.O. buster, they’ll be all over you like your drunk great-auntie at Christmas!

Being of the female species is particularly fun. Each week some new pot or bottle of slop to trowel over your face. Each week some fabulous ground breaking new ingredient guaranteed to make you look like that star flogging the goo. Just ignore the plastic surgery, botox, chemical peels and soft focus on the lens. Use this shampoo and you hair will permanently sway around in slow motion! Not forgetting of course the lip gloss crap that will have you looking freakier than a bratz doll. Because all self respecting women secretly dream of looking like they have a serious problem with drooling.

Then there are the others, wipe your kitchen benches with this and they’ll look newer and shinier than the day they were first built! Feed your family this and they’ll sit down to your dinner well dressed, well behaved, and all with what looks like drug induced grins on their faces. Buy this carpet for the bedroom and you’ll never again see the spouse in his baggy undies, clipping his toe nails on the end of the bed.
Give me a break! What kind of full time psychotic episode life do advertising guru’s live in?? They think people are going to see this tripe and believe if they go running out and buying whatever product their lives will instantly more joyous, fulfilling, and socially acceptable?

Maybe it’s some kind of drug they are on, if it is, where the hell can I get it?