Reminisce.

Sitting back, listening to the conversation flow and ebb. You try not to go back. They say you can never go back.

Sooner or later something gets bought up, quite innocently, your ears prick, you know this ground. It’s an old friend. But you stay silent, you aren’t supposed to know about this. Just stay quiet and say nothing, you could drop a bombshell and open up but you don’t. You left that all behind, remember? Walked away, cut the ties and let it leave your life.

You allow yourself a sad tired smile, you remember. You were there in the thick of it. The life you live now, the people in it, they have no idea, except for those closest to you. The ones you trust completely, the ones who understand you the best. You could walk back into that life and it wouldn’t seem like you have missed a beat, but you have no desire to do that. It ended up almost being the end of you, walking away was not only a personal decision, but survival.

You let yourself get gently taken by the memories, visiting the ghosts of the past, looking at them through eyes that have aged, the people there are exactly the same, not one day older, but you are, you like to remember some things just the way they were. You can feel the emotions again, you send yourself a shit eating grin, back to that time along with a silent thought: you go your hardest, it will be over sooner than you realise.

You do not have one regret, it was one of the most liberating times of your life, and the loneliest. But the memories run hand in hand, you at least had something to pull you through those times. That is what makes the memories what they are, little lighthouses in a very dark place in your life.

Coming back to the conversation around you, not saying a thing, acting this dumb consistently takes a certain ability. You keep your thoughts to yourself. These are your memories, a place you left behind, your own private Devil’s playground. But something you don’t regret for one single second.